My Discernment Journey

Current Mood: cheerful

...rocks my socks....

Current Mood: determined

I wake up this morning, and after fixing breakfast for myself and my sisters (I babysit during the summer while my parents work) and making sure their beds are made and they are dressed, I logged online to check my various emails. This is a comment that was left on my last blog entry. I deleted it because...well, I don't deserve to have this trash on my livejournal. Here it is...this comment was left anonymously by the way....

You are flat out crazy! Just a delusional, seriously head-screwed-up teenager!! You have no father - he ran off and left your family; your sisters and relatives are retarded; you had underage sex; you've been raped at 13 - twice! How does one get raped twice?! After the first time, he should have been in jail! - what, you went back for more??! You have some dead-end job, with no education; you admit you've practised Wicca, and you're Mom hates the idea of you having a vocation and give you no support. With all that, HOW ON EARTH do you think you can be a Nun? What makes you even think the Catholic Church would even want a psycho wreck like you as a Nun??! Don't bother with the platitudes about being 'called'... the reality is that nowadays the Church wants high quality people and vets those with so-called vocations to ensure that only decent people are accepted... and that you AIN'T!. You've had a majorly ****ed-up lie and there's NO WAY soiled trash like you will ever be a Holy NUN! These are the facts: stop kidding yourself with the Nun vocation rubbish. It's nutcases like you who drive decent folk away from the Catholic Church! If... IF! you've been to confession, you might be forgiven, but that is a totally different thing to thinking a disgrace like you can stink up the ranks of a decent Order. I predict you'll fail miserably with you're imaginery 'vocation'!

I can't say anything back, because a lot of it is true. I HAVE practiced Wicca, in the past, and became involved with the occult. I WAS raped. I'm NOT in college, and I'm not worthy of this vocation, and I'm not all that "high quality".  I am basically damaged goods. 

But a lot of it was untrue. For instance, I DO have a father, who loves me and his family very much. He has never left our family. I NEVER "engaged in premariatal sex" for that to be true, it must be consentual...it wasn't. If it weren't for what happend to me at thirteen, I would be a virgin. Heck, I still am, because I never willingly gave it up.  

See, my first reaction to this comment was just to delete it and fume around and get angry, but I used it as a learning oppurtunity. You see, this person is right, I AM a sinner and I DO make mistakes. I reminded myself  that I'm not perfect, and I never claimed to be...that even St. Francis and St. Augustine, two of the Churche's greatest saints made mistakes in their pasts, reformed and turned to God, and led very holy lives. Look at St. Paul!! He was the number one persecutor of Christians....until God worked through him, and he became a very good and pious and holy man. Look at St. Peter, the man who denied Christ three times...he became the first pope! Look at Mary (Not Mary M because Mary Magdalene wasn't the prostitute mentioned in the Bible...too many Marys too keep track of...LOL) the reformed prostitute who turned her life around for Christ! Our Church is FULL of sinners and people who made mistakes in the past...EVERYONE is a sinner, everyone makes mistakes, yes admittedly, mine were huge mistakes to make. But I reformed my life, turned to God, went to Confession with a full and contrite heart...and now I'm living my life in accordance to His plan. Yes, I still make mistakes..make em every day, but I'm trying my best. I make frequent use of Mass and Confession, and turned my life around. I am NOT "soiled trash" I am a healthy, happy, compassionate, loving, strong, faithful, emotionally sound, psychologically sound, practicing Catholic, eighteen year old girl, who is in love with our Lord Jesus Christ, and strong in that fact. 

I did delete this comment this person made. Not because they made me ashamed, but because like I said. I don't deserve to read such trash in my journal every day. I prayed for this person, and I will continue to do so. Also, it's people like this that merely add fuel to my fire. Revive my heart and help me keep going. So if that person is reading this right now, just know...you didn't hurt me. You didn't suddenly make me turn around and quit heading in my vocation. You're right. I'm not worthy to have a vocation, but guess what? St. Peter wasn't worthy of the keys to heaven, yet God chose him. Nothing will stop me in pursuit of God...not even a mean commentator on a livejournal on the internet. God bless.

-Calledtobeholy

Current Mood: sad

Today I'm feeling a little down. It's like...all I want seems so far away. Like....I know what I want....I don't know how to get there, and I'm feeling sad. Also, I think to myself...about the things that I will be giving up by becoming a religious...marriage, a husband, loads of children, a home to call my own, a lawn of my own....and in a way, it's making me sad. In a way, I really want all those things....but  I know that I'm called to something different. But...is it so wrong to feel sad about the other things I will give up? 

God...if you're calling me, I will go...but at this sacrifice? 

*Nods* 

Darn. 

But anyway...I will feel better tomorrow. God bless.

Current Mood: tired

Another nun yesterday. Makes number four in five days. God, I think I get the point. *eyeroll*

Sorry for the lack of anything insightful tonight...v. tired.

Current Mood: calm

I have decided to type out my journey so far in this entry. This is a is a long story...and it's just beginning!! :) So here we go.

I am a triplet, and due to my mother's former issues with God, my sisters and I weren't baptized until we were five. Well, due to my sister's autism, I was the only one who could go to Church with my mom...unwillingly, but I went. I went until I was nine, and my mother stopped going, therefore forcing me to go. 

When I was twelve, one of my friends dragged me kicking and screaming to a "Young Spirit" retreat. Young Spirit is now called "The Edge" .it's a Catholic youth group...kinda like the precursor to lifeteen. Anyway, I didn't want to go at ALL, but she forced me...and I can't thank her enough for it. I wound up having a wonderful time, and got interested in "Young Spirit." so I started going to Church again...but only on the weeks we had "young spirit" Then slowly, I turned thirteen, I started going every week...getting more interested in Church, in the Mass and in God.

Unfortunatly, that faith wasn't enough...a bomb was dropped on me in the summer of my fourteenth birthday. I fell in love....with an eighteen year old man....who raped me...twice. I was devastated...I thought that God didn't care about me. God wasn't there...I was nothing more than a despicable earthworm. It was a terrible time of my life....and so I thought that if God wasn't there for me...I was going to leave Him. I formed a mask...A mask I wore at Church...I went through the motions, I went to lifeteen, but internally I fumed...internally, I didn't beleive a word anyone was saying to me. 

Half a year later, I started some counscelling with a wonderful priest from the Church I went to. I slowly started opening up towards God again. I started praying more, I started actually paying attention during Mass again, going to confession and started getting my life back together. The mask started comming off....

Then I turned fifteen...and my Church closed down, lifeteen ended, my parish was split, and worst of all, my wonderful priests moved away, and I never got the chance to say goodbye. Again, I thought that God turned His back on me. I thought that He was banging me around like a cat banging around a rat...not killing it, so it could amuse itself. It was terrible. For a whole year, I didn't go to Church. I didn't pray, I would shake with anger when someone mentioned God towards me...

That's when I started getting into Wicca and all the occult things...I was introduced to Wicca by a well-meaning but misguided friend of mine. Very quickly, I had adopted a magical name for myself, performed rituals, prayed, and was the most miserable person I could find. I prayed to the "goddess" and felt nothing. I did rituals and felt nothing. Knew nothing. I knew this was wrong, but I didn't know where else to turn. I felt totally abandoned by the "gods" that were supposed to love me. I sunk deeper and deeper into depression. My morals all but disapeared, I became very depressed, angry and even to the point in which I was comprehending ending my own life.

A little under a year passed in this way. The summer came, and my best friend wanted me to go on a retreat with her. She knew I was depressed, she also knew I was 'dabbling' in dark things...she knew about the things that had happend, she dragged me on this retreat, kicking and screaming...I went...and well...I slowly began to realize that all these thousands of other Catholic kids seemed to have something that I so desperately craved...God. I wanted GOD! I craved Him...I wanted Him so desperatly, I was willing to do anything. I started praying to Our Lady to help me stay where I was supposed to. I started attending Mass again, started reading the Bible, started reading the Catechism, started praying, started using the Rosary, started listening to good music, I wanted so badly to be in that place of love and peace that I knew as a child. And slowly...I got there.

I'm almost nineteen now, and I have been discerning since I was sixteen or so...  I felt the call very suddenly one day. I was just sitting there and all of a sudden, I thought "Do you think that....I....could be....NO!" lol I ignored it...pretty badly I must say. My mom said I should experience life...so I got a boyfriend, and we were together for almost two years. It obviously ended, not because he's a bad guy...but it just didn't work out. I was too religious for him.  know I am not called to that kind of life...and I know...basing that kind of decision after one relationship, not a good idea...but I do know that unless God provides a very odd spin (which He could) I'm not feeling a call towards marriage. I mean, I want a husband and loads of little kids...but I know that, that kind of life isn't for me. And I know that some people would think that due to what happend to me when I was thirteen would make me want to turn away from men...couldn't be further from the truth. lol I love the menfolk...and I know that sounds bad, but part of me does want a husband and wants...well, marital relations. Leading to little paddings of feet....Hey, I'm a heterosexual eighteen year old, and I did promise that I won't hold anything back here..but again, that kind of spousal love is for married people, and I would never violate that.

Anyway, I'm going to end this by saying, I can't beleive how blessed I am. God has seriously provided for me. If even two years ago I would have thought I would be even this far...I would have laughed. I'm so happy to be where I am today...totally in love with our Lord Jesus Christ. This is pretty ironic, remember the friend that dragged me to that young spirit retreat? Well, she has completely left the Church...same with the other friend who brought me to that other retreat...they are both in my prayers, and I love them both...and I'm trying to bring them back home. It's just really odd how God chooses to work. I wouldn't have listened to His voice calling to my heart had it not been for those two friends. God is the author of irony. 

I know this was a long story....but the scary thing is that the story is just beginning. I'm young and I have a lot of life to live. I can't wait to see where God takes me next! God bless and thanks for reading!!

-Calledtobeholy

Current Mood: contemplative

I've been thinking. You know how St. Paul says that we should pray without ceasing? (Or at least I think it was St. Paul, it's really late here) I was pondering last night...what does that mean? Does that mean we should constantly be on our knees mumbling prayers skyward? I don't think so. We wouldn't get anything done. To me, I think that prayer is a conversation with God. I think what St. Paul is saying is tell God EVERYTHING, by merely talking to Him...the way you would talk to your best friend, or even your spouse. Tell Him all your hurts, joys, annoyances. Confide in Him everything. He knows it anyway, so why not tell Him? Thank him for all the little joys in life...the flowers in bloom, the sun all nice and warm on your face, the way a gentle breeze feels on your cheeks, a good cup of coffee...all the little things that we take for granted each and every day. Why not take a second and thank Him for bringing it to you? It doesn't have to be out loud...people will think you're a lunatic for talking out loud in public to seemingly no one. But in your mind, just thank Him for all those nice little things that make the day better. On the flip side, tell God all your little hurts and grievences. When you stub your toe, bump your funny bone, sitting in the line in traffic, when you drop all your change at the store, the not so intelligent person ahead of you at the bank. Tell Him all these little things. God is so intimate with us. He knows everything about us. The amount of times I will blink in a lifetime. The hairs on your head have all been accounted for. The number of times I will draw breath. He knows them all. I think that St. Paul is telling us to be as close to God as possible. Make Him your best friend, your confidante. Your everything. 

Well, my bed looks extra comfy and I think I will retire for the night...God bless.

-Calledtobeholy